Absent

"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between" - Sylvia Plath

It seems I am going to choose the latter. It seems I am going to choose to ricochet in between these two options. I came across this quote at a time in my life when I really needed it. I have been passive and sad for most of the last four years. I have made the decision to slip out of my brain. To detach myself from the world and just live each day in the same brainless way. I decided not to think too much about anything. Things I was once passionate for, like politics and equality and people, just fell to the wayside. I no longer cared. It was easier that way. It took me a little while to not care, especially about people. But eventually it became quite easy. Eventually I was able to go through the motions of my day without much thought. Each day blended into the next, each day was the same. It took a lot to get me really fired up, and at best I was only half as fired up as I let on to be. My life was easy, I was decidedly absent. I went on this way for quite some time. I was on an even keel, which is where I like to be. I am always striving to be level headed, even and collected. This level of detachment made that very easy.

Then my second semester of sophomore year of college I made the brilliant decision to be happy. I made the decision to be an active participant in my own life. Something in me snapped. I realized that I am always running out of time. Something is always ending - the class I really like, the time in my life I can't get enough of, the friendships I am trying to foster/keep alive, the way things are. With each day we lose something and gain something. And I wanted to be there for it, I wanted to see it and feel it. I wanted to enjoy every day. I was no longer wishing away the days, just hoping for them to end so I could move on and tackle the next one. My second semester was amazing. It still flew by, but I can only imagine that those 13 weeks would have gone by in a blink had I not made this decision. I was really happy for a change. Maybe even outwardly happy. This made it easy to pretend that everything was okay. Being happy definitely gave me the opportunity to sort some of my issues out and maybe find myself a little. But it didn't cure all my problems. And it certainly didn't eliminate my underlying sadness that I fear will always be creeping just below the surface.

Now, as I am home for the summer, I can feel this passiveness creeping back into me. I can feel myself slipping, losing my grip on happiness and active participation. Maybe I am doing this on purpose. Maybe I want the days of this summer to fly by so I can get back to the city I love. Or maybe I am just exhausted and tired. And some days it's just easier to not actively participate. Sometimes it's too hard or painful to really want to feel and react. Sometimes, it's too hard to maintain an even and level head with all those emotions floating around. So I will continue to bounce in between these two options, because it seems that's what life is. When I am actively participating I am feeling and reacting and watching the world change around me. When I am not, I don't see the changes, I just let the world fly by me. But when I do eventually wake up I realize things aren't all that bad and that I should want to actively partake in this thing called life. But then there are times when active participation is just too much, and I need to be an empty shell. If my mind can't take it then it's okay to check out for a little while, as long as my body is present and the appropriate responses are uttered, not too many people notice.